I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
