I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
