I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
