So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
