I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
