I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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