do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
