I got chris browned last night
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
