I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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