So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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