Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
