good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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