M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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