so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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