the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
