Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
