Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
