I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
