He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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