Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
