the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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