I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
