I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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