im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
