So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
