happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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