This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
