She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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