I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
