I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We had to coat check the pizza.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
