just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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