I cannot find my penis.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
