im about as happy as oj after his trial
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
