so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
