she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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