i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
