the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
