i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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