i think my tv is drunk
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
