I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
