Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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