I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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