I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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