I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
