Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
