No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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