Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
