I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
