I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
