Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ladies don't puke and tell
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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