Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
