he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
