He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
