The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
