Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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