thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
