I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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