Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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