i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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