new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
