I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
