someone threw a dead crab at me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
