i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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