She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
