I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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