Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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