fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
