That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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