Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
