i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
