who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I will pee on everything he values.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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